In Loving Memory…
To begin, I’d like to confess how difficult it has been to write about this project and apologise to anyone I frightened. It’s been a few months since returning home after travelling overseas and I’ve been having difficulty grappling with my thoughts from before then to now. My perspective has since expanded and collapsed within itself. For a project that holds results that I will never actually see, or experience – every hypothesis is now jumbled in my mind.
If you haven’t seen the project yet, I made a misleading memorial poster with an image of my face adorned with roses and the text ‘In Loving Memory….’ It does not state my name, nor does it have a date. The posters were placed within Brisbane City (Meanjin), sprawling along motorways, populated suburbia and in universities. It might seem absurd to make such a thing… and that’s because it absolutely is! But it has been incredibly stimulating and made me question much of social behaviour. While simultaneously, igniting my morbid curiosity.
Despite my sleepless nights and difficulty getting my thoughts about this down on paper. I still wanted to. Beyond this introduction, this project will be expressed through chapters. Think of it like a chronological documentation of thinking or - simply like an edited diary. I won’t keep stressing about making this perfect, so take what you want and read on if you like. I hope your imagination can fill some gaps.
~ human connection & shallowness ~ tragedy & attractiveness ~ real life & fantasy
~ human connection & shallowness ~ tragedy & attractiveness ~ real life & fantasy
Timing and Inspiration
Before the project began, I deactivated my Instagram account. I won’t completely delve into why - I just needed space at the time and it poked at my anxiety too often. I only mention the deactivation as it later became an important element in the response to the project but I want to state that it was not deactivated because of the project. It was just impeccable timing.
Less than a week after it was deactivated, I continued attending university classes as per usual. At this time we were presenting our ideas for our graduation work and this is when I heard the presentation by Cait Crumpet. (Shout out Caity! And thank you so much). She discussed her work and research so far and it touches on the sensitive topic of death. It really got my brain ticking.
Something in particular that Cait brought up which stood out to me, was about the level of care towards death from friends and strangers and how it is responded to differently when the deceased is considered attractive.
How do you respond when you watch the news and learn that someone young - in their early 20s has passed? I know it feels gross. It feels sad. How do you respond when you learn it is a young woman who has passed? She’s practically a girl still with her whole life ahead. And then again, how would you respond if you think she’s pretty?
It becomes easier to romanticise and fantasise about what happened. The first assumption, would be that she was murdered, right? She doesn’t look like she’d be sick. She looks perfectly healthy! Or maybe, it was a gruesome and tragic accident where the only outcome for her beautiful remains would be the opposite… Grim and hideous.
With my thoughts drifting to these questions, I decided… why not test this out?! I immediately started laughing at this ridiculous idea and attempted to keep the giggles under control while in class. And when I began to realise this extraordinary timing, I was numb with an excited shock. Not only was my main show of identity unable to be found (the deactivated Instagram), but I would also be on the opposite side of the world the very next week! Rubbing my hands together like a plotting fly, I suddenly starved for this now-or-never moment. Which I did have to hype myself up to do - let’s be honest.
Poster Making & Placing
My original idea was to make the text say: “RIP”. However, this was too direct and I didn’t want people I know to really believe I had passed. So by settling on ‘In Loving Memory…’. This made the project more indirect and comedic.
For the image: I had recently watched the film Amelie for the first time. If you haven’t seen it, I definitely recommend it. It’s a great film which highlights a lively curiosity for the everyday. The poster image is what caught my eye about the film… Amelie’s character is very sweet, however her eyes in the poster image scream mischief. As if she thought of something hilarious and is gatekeeping the joke. This is something I mimicked subtly as I posed for the camera.
Another element incorporated into my poster image was making my face appear as ‘perfect’ as possible. Going so far as to completely remove any imperfections by saturating my lips and airbrushing my face to a point where I almost appear AI-generated. My skin was in fact breaking out that day and you would never be able to tell.
Between the dates of June 4th and June 6th, 40 copies of the poster were placed in various locations. They stretch from the inner city to up north. I giggled so much when placing the first few before I hit the main roads. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this.
The roads were busy as I drove up north in the middle of rush hour. I’d pull over into petrol stations and random car parks, and would often walk for a few minutes to find the perfect locations. For the most part of installing the posters, I went unnoticed. There were moments of eye contact with the sitters at bus stops before I’d put the poster up and walk away. That was usually the furthest extent of interaction. I was just another passerby putting up posters. I did notice a couple of curious faces though. Eyes that watched longer than some. I probably looked like I came straight out of the looney bin if they saw the content. Or, I wonder if they thought I was psychic or a ghost.
The posters can be found on bus stops, sides of buildings, fences, poster boards and electrical units. This meant I often had to cross main roads to find my ideal locations… The adrenaline made my heart race and with every beat my anxiety grew. Feeling the air of the cars brushing past, it made me think… what if I were to actually die today? It would be ironic, wouldn’t it? But at least I have my posters prepared.
The beauty of circumstance and the Jane Doe effect.
As I walked along the streets, absorbing the surroundings of each poster and each moment… I realised that each location has a unique story to tell. Witnessing the posters in the vicinity of a church, abandoned buildings and on graffiti-covered city walls opened my eyes. The poster almost acted like graffiti in itself. They demanded attention upon unconsenting surfaces but unlike most graffiti, it was more temporary in application. The posters began to initiate their own life as they exist within our world now. Coexisting with evidence of the human touch of littered containers and other posters dating a year back. This sparked a curiosity for the life of the posters themselves. So, I began to write a list of circumstances on my commute.
(Excuse the scribbled nature. Most of these were written on a bus or while walking).
Some of these circumstances are laughable - but hey! It could actually happen!
The biggest push for me in doing this in the first place was the excitement in what could happen. Especially in the evolution of the role my face could play. Yes, I will never see or hear the stories, or witness the interactions and reactions of strangers. But it fuels me to know it is happening. Whether I am part of the moment or not…
When reading this article, it’s likely you know my name and basic information about me. But take all of that away and try to see this through the eyes of a complete stranger.
With no mention of my name or any other information on the poster, my identity is stripped from me. Stepping out of my skin suit, I used it for the project and subtracted my identity to create a new person. Let’s call her girl. Now girl works as a stand-in to stimulate my questions from earlier:
How would you react if you had learnt that a young, pretty girl had passed?
Now as any fantasies or stories created by the public about girl breathe into existence, a new life is born. But the catch is that she is introduced when she is already ‘dead’.
The only sense of evidence I have on strangers observing the posters is from crossing paths with them and they ask if we have met before. People I don’t recognise at all. This has been happening much more than ever really. But this could be from anything, so I’ll never know for sure if it’s from the posters.
Images of Posters in various scenes
I’m a real girl!
With my focus primarily revolving around the interactions with strangers, I ignored the fact that people I know would recognise me. This result ultimately slapped me in the face.
Before I placed the posters, I let a few friends know about it out of fear of frightening them. From there, I expected a few other people to reach out in concern, to check in while I was overseas. But what I received was radio silence… I began to question if putting up the posters was a dream or if all of them had been taken down already. It’s an unusual experience to conduct such a public work and not know what is happening. I never expected many responses but not hearing a thing… it became more obvious, more blinding, and more cringe with each passing week. Like a stream of light bouncing upon a mirrored surface, I squinted through this reality and avoided looking at my reflection.
-Eventually, one person reached out within the first four weeks.
To be fair, acquaintances would have a hard time reaching out if they only had my Instagram, which was deactivated. And I obviously wouldn’t reply to anyone if I were really dead! But it did make me question whether my existence to some was solely through that form of media, as I still have multiple avenues for contact.
It wasn’t until I began integrating myself into social life again that I discovered and unravelled some of the occurrences while I was away. What was revealed was a web of social intricacies expanding in all directions. Exposed were reactions big and small, ranging from shock, sadness, laughter and to nonchalant shrugs. And something I found surprising was who conversed with who out of desperation to find out the truth. It wasn’t only my close friends who were bugged with frantic questions, but people who I have merely exchanged one or two sentences with.
While I was surprised by the reactions or lack of at first, my curiosity ultimately outweighs existential gloom and instead, initiated reflection on how being recognised changes the project itself. Girl suddenly has a name. She has a backstory. She has friends. She has an identity. And now all of this information proves that any fantasies or stories created about her are truly untrue. - Or does it?
In an odd way, being recognised still creates tension on the scale between the real and unreal. As not only strangers begin to participate in a game of narrative building about girl, but also the people who can claim they’ve seen girl in real life.
~ The ghost of Spot Willows reenters her body right now to express gratitude for the eventual care recieved by concerned friends. Thank you, and I’m sorry if this project was offensive in any way to anyones own relationship with death…
And don’t worry… I won’t dehumanise or brush over my real existence any further in this article. ~
There’s many threads I could pull from the being recognised aspect of the work. Seeing the effects of the poster ripple through acquaintances and friends added fascinating layers to the situation. And I consider that the absurdity and randomness of the work might be what made it believable to some people. But I can see now that it was a mistake to place the posters so close to home. If I were able to go back in time, I would’ve conducted this experiment in a different city. Due to my impulsivity and tight time constraints, I didn’t think about being recognised deeply enough in the beginning. But I knew of the repercussions and did it anyway.
Desperate for attention?
and conclusion.
There have been moments since the project when some people have asked me why I did this. I’ll explain it to them, word-for-word, parts of what I’ve already told you throughout this article. I know I’m not speaking in jibberish, but I cannot seem to make them understand a thing.
As they continue to stare at me blankly, with slightly parted mouths and lost eyes, that’s when I can see that they were trying to ask something deeper…. Trying to understand my psychological reasoning for why.
Am I self aware… deeply troubled… or am I just desperate for attention?
I can’t give them the answer that they’re looking for. And I’m not gatekeeping my truth because I don’t even know the answer either! Will I ever? I could eventually. But at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter anyway.
The answer to why which I do know, is because I can. To put it as simply as possible: Why not? - Who Cares? - Fuck it. - YOLO.
I’ve been feeling the urgency to try especially when it comes to creating. Whether it turns out good or bad or shows no results, I still did it. Conducting what I like to call ‘art experiments’ throughout this year has brought me joy. Even with In Loving Memory… and with the unclarity I have around the experience as a whole, every thought has made my mind tingle. Every query, every doubt, every thrill and every observation has pushed my thinking. It’s exhilarating being an artist and it’s so much fun to do weird things sometimes.
In the end… there is no conclusion to the project. Whichever posters remain and for however long will continue to withstand time and cycle through various reactions. Hundreds, possibly even thousands of people will each have a brief moment with girl. And as more and more of the posters disappear, it reminds me of her temporality… as well as mine.
Thanks for reading and your support!
Save the date! On the 24th of October from 6pm, my peers and I will be showcasing our graduating works at QCAD, South Bank. These works have been in progress for a whole year! Or 3-5 years in total, manifesting from the growth we’ve experienced throughout our degree. It’s not something to be missed and it would mean the world if you attended…
Come see my art…?!
(24th of October is the opening night, the exhibit will remain open for the rest of the week).
I hope you’re having a wonderful day. Keep thinking big!
Love, Spot Willows.
